On Monday, January 30th, we found out that I was pregnant with our 3rd baby. To say we were excited would be an understatement. But the excitement turned to fear 5 days later. On Friday, February 3, I woke up with cramping only to discover I was bleeding. I am not a medical professional but I knew enough to know it wasn’t a good sign. I immediately called my husband who came racing home. Through tears and sobbing, I left a message for a nurse to call me back. The time it took for them to return my call felt like an eternity but we sat and waited and prayed. The call finally came but it only brought more despair. All they could tell me was that they were very sorry but I was losing the baby. My heart sank as Brandon held me.
As I sat in our room all I could do was cry. In the midst of the tears I kept hearing lyrics to a song that I have heard before. It was a worship song by Bryan and Katie Torwalt “God With Us”. The main chorus kept running through my mind:
God with us, God for us, Nothing could come against, No-one could stand between us
In that moment of pain I know God was with me. He was there grieving with me. Crying with me. He was comforting me, reminding me of His faithful love.
Pain is inevitable. We live in a fallen world and there is pain all around us. What I have learned is not how to keep pain away but instead how to handle pain when it does come. There was a time in my life when I ran from God during hard times. I would seclude myself because it felt easier to be alone. I never wanted to bring others into the mess that I was dealing with. The issue with that was it gave room for the enemy to speak lies in places he has no authority speaking into. It’s in those times that he wants to make you believe you are alone and that no one cares, especially God. It’s in seclusion that the enemy tries to leverage our vulnerability to make us run from God. But it’s in our moments of pain that it is so important to press closer into God. To allow him to bring peace and comfort to ease our suffering. It is only in God that we can find true comfort. Just like the lyrics to the song. God is always with us. God is always for us. There is nothing and no one that can separate us from the love He has for us. He sees the pain and He always hears the cries even when you don’t think He does.
It was in pursuing Him that I found peace to pursue. I can’t explain why what happened did, and I am not going to try and figure it out. What I will do is stand firm on what I do know. The truth that God is a good god. That He gives good gift to his children. That he doesn’t bring pain but peace. That no matter what, He is always there with comfort, hope, joy and peace. I will hold tightly to these truths and as I do, I know I can trust God to be faithful to always be there.
I don’t know what life may look like for you right now. Maybe you are experiencing the loss of a child or maybe you are dealing with another area of hurt. I would encourage you today to lean into God. I promise He is not far off. I would also encourage you to seek community. I had so many people around me, texting me, calling me and praying for our family as we processed everything. Allow others to come along side you and let them in to the messy areas of life. Hold tight to the truth that is only found in Him and true peace with come.
I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. – John 16:27